Sometimes I fear that it is all an illusion; that You could call one like me to Spiritual Motherhood - to care for Your priests. I know my past, my wantonness; how I ignored You seeking my own way and my own pleasures. I, myself, had no love for you and now You call me? And even if You should be, my heart trembles at the notion. What will my life become? Will it be recognizable? The very thought of living for you thrills my soul but also fills it with fear. I know my own selfishness, how easily I turn my thoughts to the things of the world, how weak my constitution is and how averse I am to discipline and simplicity. Even as I have tried, I draw back from completely giving myself to you. I linger in past memories, nay cling to them, almost hoping that a more comforting love will emerge, one that seems more tangible. My mind gravitates to distractions, to entertainment, to work - anything to hold me back from letting go - anything to keep me from say yes. . . .
I want you to live in silence and adoration.
Spend less time at the computer and more time in My presence. I wait for you here. I long to see you before Me. I want to give you all the signs of My friendship that My Heart has destined for you and for no other, but for this you must come to Me. Follow the promptings of My grace.
There is no need for you to grow anxious or fearful. I will continue speaking to you so long as you come before Me with a quiet and trusting heart. I still have much to teach you. I want to form you in purity, in charity, in mercy towards the priests in your care, and in the ceaseless adoration that I desire from you.
Wait upon Me. Come to Me. Open to your heart to Me and I will open My Heart to you.
This is one of My most poignant sufferings; that I should encounter hearts that are closed to Me, even among My beloved priests, the friends whom I have chosen for myself. How can I have friendship with one who closes his heart to Me, who flees My presence, who cannot bear to be silent, still and alone with Me and for Me?
Even for you this remains a struggle. There are so many lesser things that pull you away, that eat up your time, and that are stumbling blocks in the path of your coming to be with Me. Learn to recognize these obstacles for what they are. Some of them are your own doing; others are the work of the Evil One; still others come from the ordinary cares of life in a world that has forgotten how to be still in My presence. Do not let yourself be stopped by any of these things. Learn to come to Me quickly, generously, and gladly. I wait for you in the Sacrament of My love, and you will not be disappointed in coming to Me. This is really all I ask of souls, and especially my priests and you My Daughters - that you come to Me. And I will do the rest.
In Sinu Jesu
Journal of a Priest at Prayer