The path of one who says "Yes" to God's call to offer Him everything, to have Him as one's only reality, to be His "Heaven," leaves one defenseless. It is to become a lamb; but, as Sr. Wendy writes, "not any lamb, but the Lamb of God who bears the weight of the world's sin." To give yourself over to Him is not to experience a worldly joy. The reality is very different - He does become life to us, it really happens. But how is another matter. Whatever means helps you to surrender to Him the most is best. Whether you like it or want it is not of paramount importance. You bear the world's suffering and because you do so with Him you will become a source of joy and hope for others.
You have never sent me a lovelier card: all urgency, as you say, yet what freedom and space and beauty. The only snag is that my heart is wrenched by your words inside it. However, it is a holy wrench, because I know it is not so much as me as "me" you are missing; it is heaven. For His own mysterious reason, God has made me a test case - in fact, a show case, of His love. Though pure gift, He makes me heaven, in that He is heaven and He is the only reality I have: and when we are together, you feel in your own land. My sweet, you are always there - I just make it evident to you. Whatever He did in those weeks, that at least I can see as His prime object: to make you His heaven at an even greater depth. And somehow that is bound up with being a lamb: a small defenseless creature that goes merely and innocently to the slaughter of life. Not any lamb, though: Lamb of God, who bears the weight of the world's sin. Not feeling the joy of Jesus is part, for you, here and now of that bearing. It makes no difference, as long as you live in the joy as the lamb does in the sun and springtime grass.
Ever since I was told of your situation, I've been held in a vise of prayer, seeking to discern what Jesus wants. He wants you, that is all I can see, and if this struggle is the means that best surrenders you to Him, then I can't but urge you on to the total "Yes" that is His own. You offered Him a blank-cheque, a gesture of love: He has filled it in and made the gesture "real". Dearest lamb, whether you like it or want it doesn't matter, does it? What does Jesus want? Clearly this, because if there were some other way of leading you deeper into joy, He would have chosen it. So that my first reaction: with an ache in my heart I give you wholly to all that this situation means, because this is pure Love and we trust Him. But apart from being His way of taking possession of you, of becoming every more your joy, I truly believe He wants something for others, directly. Despite all that has been said, I'm sure you could do much in your house to show what it means to love God. I've every trust that you will be a living presence of Jesus' joy in what has been severely diminished to worldly eyes.
Sr. Wendy Beckett