It is often ordinary life, rather than the exceptional sufferings that sound more romantic, which assimilate us to Christ crucified.
You have been much in my heart, as one suffering, but I could see, too that the pain "didn't matter". I can say that to you without seeming heartless, as you'll understand: it is the pain of being human, living as a bodily creature who vibrates to life's unpredictabilities and enters, with Jesus, into its mystery. Woe for the one such as you if you didn't feel any anguish. . . .
All you need at present is to surrender to dark Love, letting Him have it all and accepting to be without achievement before Him (just sweat and lack of appreciation). Oh, dear daughter, "crucified with Him" sounds so clear-cut, somehow; yet it is what drab life does incessantly if we look at Him.
Sister Wendy Beckett