About the future: you should know that God shows me nothing specific, only that the future is pure Love, is Himself. So, pace your private pythoness, I'm not "preparing" you in the usual sense. But what comes home to me very strongly is that now is the future; no link in the chain is subordinated to another. All God wants is to give Himself now, and it is this moment that makes the total gift still to come possible, or not. I think we can lose momentum by unconsciously regarding His great designs of Love as being somehow "in preparation", and they are not: in Jesus they have come. And they have come most surely, for you. When I look at you in him, I get a great sense of God beating down on you. He has given you a painful vocation, both in its setting, geographical and temporal, and also in the demands He makes on you in Himself. But believe me, my dear daughter, there is no other way of setting you free from your selfhood. You have a deep grasp of this selfhood - the very characteristic that makes it possible for God to enter into full triumphant possession - but as yet, no longings or strivings of your own can pry loose that grasp and let God take! But it is being done - God is doing it exactly in the sort of - I won't say "life" - but in the day He gives you.
I liked what you said about daily bread. Only for you it may taste like ash-cake, moistened with gall. Oh, but what it is achieving in you! - I can see such growth in liberty and sweetness! Turn your mind, often and eagerly, to the way He gives Himself to everybody. All are infinitely dear to Him, really dear, worthy dying for. That's still your most rigid area. I don't know whether I do need people, strictly; but He has shown me, more and more that, in Him, I need them to my depths. We need them because of His need. The heart of Jesus broke because He could not bring all His brethren into His Father's house; He was not Himself, not fully and wholly Jesus, until He had made that homecoming possible. Open your heart, dear daughter, to receive from the Spirit this glad, agonizing, self-forgetful Love of Jesus. Then one day you will turn round and find your own imprisoned self has vanished and there is only God's love keeping you alive. He gives it when we want it enough, and all it means. You are so near, I pray constantly and very happily.
Sister Wendy Beckett