I am writing again, because I'm not quite sure if my last letter was any good to you. My dear, I do believe all you say about your state, and I both compassionate and congratulate you - in the Latin sense, suffer with you and rejoice with you. Because in your heart, where you can't see Him, Jesus rejoices: He is more you than you are yourself. But the experience of this is exactly back-to-front: precisely because He is there, so close, we see ourselves in all the agonizing truth. How the human heart longs to see beauty and grace in itself - to be "as god" in some way - believing this is so as to become more receptive of Him, to be our own support - and in His passionate love for you, He will not let you have any God but Himself. Can you see that, if you could feel this, could joyously write off your sense of sinfulness as proof of His nearness, then it would fail of its kenotic power? You can't feel it, but you can live by it, which is all He wants. You can tell Him that if He is pleased, you are pleased - and that you trust in His love so completely that you know He would always let you know if there were something practical He wanted you to do. When He wanted you to appreciate your lack of true love for and interest in His children, He asks me to speak for Him and this is something His own fidelity will always see to. And when, at His time, you come, be assured I'll tell you if He has any specifics to be done or endured. But at present He says: Be comforted, be comforted, my darling child.
That sense of being alien is not really caused by your station in life, - it is a sign of "I live, not I", though we think that a change of context would dispel it; the feeling of not-belonging, an out-of-tunedness, with nobody sharing your deepest ideals. Life must press like this - it did on Jesus, ("how long a time must I suffer you, how long a time must I be with you?"). And don't think either, that you hesitate or grudge Him. You do neither, but you are truly learning for the first time at depth, what love means and how helpless we are, of ourselves, to respond. When you know this to your inmost core, Jesus "takes over". So I do indeed rejoice in your temperament and in everything else that exposes you to Him!
P.S. There is a true sense in which I don't suffer and pay no cost because it all comes from God
Sister Wendy Beckett
26 June 1975